


Language, Michael (PBB CrackFic)

by JDSampson



Category: Project Blue Book (TV)
Genre: Alien Abduction, Alien Sex, Crack, Explicit Language, F/M, Other, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-07-28 05:16:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,952
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20058619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JDSampson/pseuds/JDSampson
Summary: Quinn and Hynek have been abducted by a beautiful alien with a few questions about the male anatomy and how it works. Total crackfic





	Language, Michael (PBB CrackFic)

Language, Michael (PBB CrackFic)

“Finally! You’re awake!”

Was he?

Allen opened his eyes though he didn’t remember closing them. He certainly didn’t remember being tired or laying down to go to sleep. The last thing he did remember was the bright light in the field.

And now here he was laying down on a hard surface staring up at. . . . a curved roof? He lifted his hand to straighten his glasses, but his hand wouldn’t lift.

Sit up?

Nope.

“Don’t waste your energy.” Quinn’s voice. “I’ve been trying to loosen these straps since I woke, and they haven’t given an inch.”

Straps?

Allen turned his head toward Quinn’s voice. The Captain was laying on an examination table with straps over his wrists, ankles and waist. He was also stark naked.

Slowly, Allen’s brain accepted that he was in the same configuration, in the same condition. Strapped to an examination table – naked.

“They must have given us some kind of sedative,” Quinn continued. “Otherwise we’d both be freaking out right now.”

Interesting theory? Allen took a moment to test it. Yes. Slightly elevated heart rate, a bit of perspiration, the beginnings of dryness in the throat. Nowhere near the level of panic he should be experiencing given the circumstances.

He turned his head as much as he could but there was nothing to see other than two standing lights and a rolling table that he hoped didn’t contain surgical tools – though it sure resembled a surgical cart. . . .

“Have you seen them?” Allen asked, still surprised by his own level of calm.

“Not really. There’s a door or maybe a window at 2 o’clock. It’s semi-transparent, like a screen. I saw a couple of shadows moving around.”

“Short?”

“No. Regular size.”

But shadows could be deceiving. Depending on the light source a bunny could look like a grizzly bear and vice versa.

“We’re screwed, aren’t we?” Quinn said, tugging at his bonds, ignoring his own advice.

“I wouldn’t say ‘screwed’. In every abduction case we’ve investigated or heard about, the abductee has always been returned to earth alive and well-ish.”

Quinn sighed. “You realize that’s because we wouldn’t have ever heard about the ones that didn’t come back so . . . how many people disappear without a trace in this country every year?”

Allen sighed. “Sedative or not, I think I’m about to panic.”

Quinn followed Allen’s gaze – the door. There was a being on the other side. Willowy. Tall. Multiple arms, multiple legs, two heads. . . then the shadow split down the middle with one head and a pair of legs walked away.

The door slid open and the most gorgeous creature either of them had ever seen walked into the “room”. She was all woman. Blond, with curves and swells in all the right places. A face that had been sculpted by sweetest angels then painted by the naughty ones when God wasn’t looking.

She click-clacked over on high, high heels and stood between the two beds, totally unphased by the presence of two naked men.

“I have questions,” she said in a voice that was all Lauren Bacall.

“So do we, lady,” Quinn replied, trying to sound flippant but it came out kind of breathy and needy.

“I have developed a working understanding of this type of human body.” She ran her hands over her own hips. “What do you call it?”

“Girl,” said Quinn.

“Female,” said Allen.

“Female girl,” she repeated somewhat mechanically. “Excellent. But I have questions about your type of body.”

“Man,” said Quinn.

“Male,” said Allen.

“Male man.”

“No, that’s a postal worker,” said Allen. “Just male.”

She nodded then turned her attention to Quinn who caught a shiver all down his spine. “I’m especially curious about this fleshy organ that resides outside of your body. What do you call it?”

“A cock,” said Quinn.

“Penis,” Allen corrected.

“And it’s used for what?”

“Peeing, fucking,” said Quinn.

“Language, Michael. The proper terms are urinating and sexual intercourse,” said Allen.

She wrinkled her nose. “That sounds unsanitary. Perhaps I misunderstood. Exactly how does this sexual intercourse work?”

Quinn. “The man puts it inside the woman and pumps hard until he comes inside of her.”

“Becomes what?”

“Not ‘be-comes’ just comes,” Allen again. “Let me explain. The man inserts his penis into a woman’s vagina, then through a series of rhythmic movements is aroused to the point where he ejaculates. That ejaculation contains sperm which then fertilizes a woman’s eggs.”

“Oh! So this action is for procreation purposes.”

“Not always,” said Quinn. “Sometimes it’s just fun.”

“Fun?”

“Feels good. Do you understand feeling. . . good, bad, pain, joy?”

“I’m aware.” But she was still perplexed. “I do not see how such a small and flaccid piece of flesh could be manipulated in the way you described.”

Small and flaccid? The least she could have done was turn to Hynek while saying that.

“It doesn’t stay this way. It gets hard. Inflates. Grows.”

“So, it must be activated.”

“I can live with that,” said Quinn.

“How?”

“Well, normally the sight of the likes of you would be plenty but I suspect you drugged us so it’s not working like it should.”

“We did administer a drug to help you remain calm. It also acts as. . . . you would call it a truth elicitor.”

“That explains a lot.”

She turned her attention to Allen. “You seem to be more knowledgeable on this subject.”

Quinn snorted out a laugh.

“Instruct me on how to activate this organ. I wish to see how it works.”

Quinn laughed out loud.

“I’m happy to explain it,” said Allen, “but you should practice on him, he’s easier to ‘activate’.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’m a married man and it’s not like you’re going to object to making love to a beautiful woman.”

“Alien! God knows what she looks like under all that.”

“Would you like to see? I can drop this appearance if it would help you activate.”

“No! I would not like to see.”

“I would,” said Allen.

“First things first. Is that not a saying of yours?” She turned to Quinn. “Tell me what to do.”

“First off – this would be easier if I wasn’t strapped down to the table. I need to move.”

“That’s a lie,” said Allen. “Just look at him the right way and he’ll get aroused.”

“Uh? Doc?”

“Truth serum. Can’t help it. Seriously, he can activate at the drop of a hat.”

“Oh. He had a hat when he came in here. I could get it and drop it if that would help.”

“OH MY GOD. Forget the hat. You want to see how it works? Wrap your lips around it and sedative or not, you’ll see.”

She touched her ear. Her nose. Her lips.

“There you go, that one! We use those for kissing. It’s another part of the whole making out thing.”

“Foreplay,” said Allen.

She sighed. “Why do you speak different languages?”

“Because I’m not a nerd,” said Quinn.

“Excuse me if I like being precise.” Allen huffed. “Humans use kissing each other’s lips and touching various body parts in a slow, teasing way – foreplay - to begin the mating ritual.”

“I see. So, it’s a necessary part of the activation.”

“Only if you’re a woman,” Quinn muttered. “If you’re a guy, not so much.”

She looked from one to the other and sighed in an odd, singsong way. “I find all these words very confusing. Can we please proceed with the demonstration?”

“On one condition,” said Quinn. “If we teach you everything there is to know about sex, will you send us back where we came from?”

“Of course, this craft has a no pets policy so sending you back was always the plan. I just need the answers to a few more questions so I finish my thesis.”

“Thesis?” Quinn and Hynek said simultaneously.

She rolled her eyes. “We’ve strayed too far from the matter at hand. Can we please get back to activating his cock?”

“Penis,” Allen corrected.

“Stupid word for it,” she said and Quinn agreed.

“Take him in your mouth then use a vigorous in and out motion combining with a sucking action.”

“And this is called?”

“Fellatio,” said Allen.

She immediately looked at Quinn.

“A blow job,” he supplied.

“See, again, I like your words better.” She moved to give it a try then straightened up. “Am I to use my. . . “ She stuck her tongue out.

“Tongue, sure,” said Quinn.

“Some women also use their teeth,” said Allen.

“NO TEETH! Jesus, doc, she’s an alien, remember. God knows what could happen if teeth were involved.”

“So no biting,” she said.

“Definitely, no to any kind of biting.”

“I really need to hurry this along. I do have other things to do today.” She moved back into position. Quinn tried to watch her, just in case she decided to revert to her true form or use her teeth or do something else oddly alien but strapped to the table as he was, it was difficult.

He didn’t see her, but he certainly felt her. All warm and wet and powerful and. . . okay. . . that was a feeling he’d never felt before. “How the hell did you do that. . . “

“What?” Asked Allen.

Quinn might have answered but his words were destroyed by a sudden rush of heat and electricity and wanton desire. Every muscle in his body tightened, straining against the bonds, head thrown back as far as possible. And he might have screamed.

“I did something wrong!” She said, disengaging him from her mouth.

“More like you did something right,” said Allen. “Look at him!”

She did and was perplexed. “But he appears to be in terrible pain. How can that be right?”

“That’s called an orgasm and it’s not usually that quick or that intense so whatever you did. . . “

Quinn’s body went limp. “Fuck.”

“Isn’t that what we just did?” she asked.

“Not quite,” said Allen. “But close!”

A loud claxon startled both of them out of 2 years of life. She didn’t startle but she wasn’t happy about the sound.

“I’m being summoned. And I was hoping to learn so much more about this kissing and foreplay and. . . sexacourse?”

“Intercourse,” Allen corrected.

“Fucking,” said Quinn.

She tested both words on her lips then sided with Quinn yet again. “I’m afraid I must go. Or rather you must go so I can finish my work. It’s been a pleasure.”

“Yes it has,” said Quinn.

The big lamps on either side of the room rolled toward them on their own power and soon they were both bathed in a wash of pale blue light.

They woke up on the hill, laying in the dewy grass – naked.

Quinn sat up first, feeling all parts of his own body to make sure he was completely intact.

Allen sat up next, looked down at his lack of clothing and sighed. “We will never speak of this to anyone on this planet or otherwise. Agreed?”

“Agreed.” Quinn stood up and dusted off his backside. “Good thing our suitcases are in the car otherwise this could have been awkward.”

“Could have been?” Allen got up and ran to the car as fast as his bare feet could manage.

Quinn didn’t bother to run. He was strolling back to the vehicle at a leisurely pace when his hat fell out of the sky and landed on the grass in front of him. When he leaned down to pick it up he saw his own state of arousal.

“Would you look at that, doc. You were right. Drop of a hat.” Quinn put the hat on his head and continued on his way wondering if this world he’d been initiated into could possibly get any weirder.

The End

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by that glorious Comic-Con moment where Aidan admonished Michael for his use of foul language coupled with the idea that Allen would think clinically where Quinn. . . not so much.


End file.
